By Naomi Foster

The purpose of a memoir is to explore an event from one’s past. When done correctly, a memoir allows readers to gain access to the narrator’s long-suppressed emotions and uncover hidden truths. Likewise, writers learn new things about themselves while crafting their memoir strengths, weaknesses, or recurring patterns in their own behavior. That being said, this candor is not immediate. This sort of reflection requires literary elements such as scene, summary, and musing.  

“One way of understanding scenes and summary is to think of them in cinematic terms”(Barrington 81). When a movie begins, we are presented with a general image. also known as a “long shot”. The audience has not been introduced to characters just yet, and all they have is a depiction with moving figures. Without close-ups or dialogue, the audience is left to make inferences. The summary in a memoir is referred to as the “long shot.” It “pulls back to distance… this view can include a huge number of details… none apparently more important than the other.” This technique provides the foundation for the rest of the story. As the plot progresses, the abundance of details slowly starts to make sense. The scene is most similar to a “close up.” A This is the time for the narrator to slow down to the actual time it takes for the scene to unravel in real life. Though “scene and summary are two ways of moving through… musing is always essential to memoirs”(Barrington 82). Musing is arguably the most important part of a memoir because it shows character development and reflection. Without musing, the “memoir” is incomplete. Since the essence of a memoir is to track a person’s thoughts while struggling to achieve an understanding of a problem,” it’s important that we, as readers, hear those thoughts (Barrington 90). It matters what the narrator was thinking at the time of the event, and it matters what they think years later, after having time to process the ordeal. In My First Police Stop, Hanif Willis-Abdurraqibd utilises musing to provide a gut-wrenching recount of his experience with police brutality and microaggressions as a young black boy living in America.

The memoir begins with a description of his first car. Like many high school students, he received a used car with some technical issues that he was willing to overlook for the sake of independence. It was a 1994 Nissan Maxima, “… a typical high school car. It was imperfect, a bit of a wreck but [he] loved it” (Abdurraqibd). Including the bit about the car not only adds context for the reader, but it also sets the tone of the piece. As a young adult, Abdurraqibd was excited to experience this milestone, eager to take the world by storm, but his efforts were hindered by systematic barriers. In the fall of 2001, he received an offer to attend Capital University, a predominantly white institution. There would certainly be a different demographic in this area, but he had hope. Abdurraqib admits that he “didn’t really consider what it would be like to exist as black in a community that managed to keep itself white” (Abdurraqib) . Though it’s not a harsh criticism of his former self, it’s still a critique, nonetheless. Throughout the piece, Abdurraqibd makes statements suggesting that he didn’t know better, he didn’t expect for people to treat him so differently or for “his existence to raise suspicion.” These slightly critical remarks serve to demonstrate the action of subtle musing. “Sometimes in memoir, the author lets us see that [he] has done [his] musing out of our sight…”(Barrington 81). Based on the tone of the piece, the reader can infer that Abdurraqibd has taken some time to ponder his circumstance and he understands that the people he was surrounded by have their own preconceived notions about black people, which made it nearly impossible for him to receive fair treatment.

Another important part of musing is finding your retrospective voice. Abdurraqibd makes use of his retrospective voice by saying, “When I reflect, I think about the fact that I had gone 17 years without having developed a direct fear of the police and that I was lucky”(Abdurraqibd). Instead of blaming himself for being naive, he chooses to see his situation in a new light. Millions of black youths have the fear of the police instilled in them before they can even tie their shoes. They are told to stand up straighter, speak slower, not look down, not reach for anything, dispose of their entire identity and maybe, just maybe, they can make it out alive. As a young black boy, Abdurraqibd received a similar talk from his father, and “[he] had seen the police make life difficult for other people in [his] home neighborhood, yet [he] never learned to be afraid.  Here, we see Abdurraqibd reflecting on his judgment at the time. He’s critical of himself yet forgiving at the same time. A retrospective voice in a memoir requires some level of self-critique. When musing, a retrospective voice is always present (Barrington 86). It enables the author to reflect on who they are at the time, the circumstances they were in, and he choices they made and decide how they feel after gaining more perspective. The retrospective voice allows readers to develop a better understanding of the character of the narrator. 

As mentioned previously, a memoir allows the narrator to comb through their emotions in the front and ones that may have developed years later. Abdurraqibd does exactly that as he says, “when you’re asked to step out of the car that you own, your body no longer belongs to you, but instead to the lights drowning it. There are two sides of the night that you can end up on: one where you see the sunrise again and one where you do not” (Abdurraqibd). He reflects on the dehumanizing experience as an adult; it’s clear that it still haunts him. The event changed his perspective on life. He realized how he is seen by others and how his character is constantly being judged on the basis of skin tone and stereotypes. The purpose of musing is not only to create a sense of reality but to “ lead the reader into speculation and tell the reader that this is musing on events beyond certainty”(Barrington 89).  In this case, Hanif’s fate was uncertain. When he reached for his wallet, he was slammed against the grass, and his mind ran wild with thoughts. “ [He] thought about how much the car had cost…How much it cost [him]to get [there]… just five miles away from a neighborhood that no one from the nearby homes would venture to. But [he] mostly thought how perhaps [he] owned nothing” not even the thumbs pressed against [his]back”(Abdurraqibd). At that moment, readers can feel panic and genuine fear. The strategic phrasing and central message regarding police brutality/place treatment of black Americans allows readers to see a vulnerable side of the narrator. After all, “the essence of memoir is the track of a person’s thoughts struggling to achieve some understanding of a problem” (Barrington 90). Here, we see Abdurraqibd trying to work through the issue as it happens. He struggles to understand what he could have done wrong to deserve that sort of violation. We get the sense that Abdurraqib pities his younger self because of how unsuspecting he was.

Towards the end of the memoir, the narrator shares his final thoughts on the situation. Even after being humiliated and violated, Abdurraqibd “didn’t hate the police that night. Even today while being critical of the institution of police and systems of policing, [he feels] no hatred towards the men and women themselves”(Abdurraqibd). Once again, the retrospective voice can be identified. Abdurraqibd explicitly states his current feelings on the situation and compares them to his feelings at the time. It’s evident that  Abdurraqibd is a person who chooses not to let hatred and fear run his life. Years later, he had a deeper understanding of the system that failed him and the biases against people of color.

In a memoir, it’s important to “focus on layers of internal processing that happen over time…” as well as “… the initial reaction to a traumatic event…”(Barrington 90).  Abdurraqibd provides his past and present thoughts about the situation at hand. He ends the memoir with a brief description of his encounters with the police officers since then— “some better and A few just as bad. [he]goes into each one expecting to fear and be feared”( Abdurraqibd).  He has a better grasp on an unfortunate reality.  He’s very aware of the biases that people have against his race, which is why he has made it a point to take control of his own thoughts. While he has many reasons to live in fear of the police, he chooses bravery and courage. Instead of hiding, Hanif shares his story with the world as a way to educate and speak his truth.

The only way for change to occur is to question the system under which we live. At thirty-three, when he sees the news of another unarmed person, [he] wonders how their stories began if they began something like [his]” (Abdurraqibd). By ending with an inquisitive thought inquiry, Abdurraqibd fulfills his duties as a memoirist. “Musing in form makes [the story] layered and thought-provoking”(Barrington 90). The use of this memoir leaves the readers to think about the pressing issue of police brutality and question their own biases.

Abdurraqibd uses music to amplify voices of those who have been silenced. Through his reflections he demonstrates growth, wisdom, and character development. At first, we are presented with a seventeen year old eager to enter the real world and we are left with a wise  gentleman who exercises great patience and maturity gained through experience.